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MY CALL: Quite a terrible movie, but terrible in all the right ways if you’re in the mood for gory, silly, deliciously bad horror. It’s moderately smutty and often disgusting. You’ve been warned. MORE MOVIES LIKE Faust: So you want smutty movies horror? Try Night of the Tentacles (2013), Bioslime (2010), Blood Gnome (2004), The Haunting of Morella (1990), Killer Workout (1987), Death Spa (1989), Evils of the Night (1985), Head of the Family (1996) and Piranha 3DD (2012). Throw in Barbarian Queen (1985), Conquest (1983), Deathstalker (1983), Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987) and The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984) for some campy fantasy, sword and sorcery flicks.

A rule-breaking police officer (Jeffrey Combs; Lurking Fear, Doctor Mordrid, Would You Rather) crosses paths with some sort of music therapist after our Faustian protagonist makes a deal with a white-haired euro-trashy fiend and is granted Street Fighter II Vega wrist blades to avenge the death of his murdered immigrant girlfriend. Sounds like somebody got snubbed at the 2001 Academy Awards for Best Screenplay, doesn’t it?

Clearly, this was in no way imaginable ripped off of Wolverine.
Look at all those claw poses!

As the mysterious near-albino Mephistopheles figure, Andrew Divoff (Wishmaster, Lost) is deliciously ridiculous and I struggle to rationalize his hair. But trumping the lunacy of his hair is the rampaging melodrama and varying sound quality. More Oscar near-misses, no doubt.

Faust breaks the Devil’s rules and is sent to Hell, which he promptly escapes by defeating an animated skeleton. I know, the scene wasn’t very inspired and I’d imagine evading damnation would have posed a greater challenge. Moreover when he emerges he is like a demonic superhero complete with cape, latex muscles, and silly CGI transformations. This is, after all, based on a comicbook. It’s tone yo-yos between clearly deliberately silly at times, and somewhat serious at others. The finale pits our Faustian inverse-hero against a ritually summoned Hell beast.

There’s a good amount of action, all being of awful cheesy execution. But that’s to be expected when you have topless women slitting throats mid-coitus and women in bras beating men up. With that, there’s also a fair amount of graphic sex scenes and nudity accompanied by a hefty dose of low budget gore like rooms filled with severed limbs and heads, flesh-tearing, face-ripping, face-melting and dismemberment. And to top off the special effects, there’s a deeply perverted slimy transformation scene that is too gross, smutty and tasteless for me to explain…but a quick GoogleImage search for “Faust love of the damned boob” should explain things.

This is the worst film I’ve seen by director by Brian Yuzna (Society, Bride of Re-Animator, Return of the Living Dead 3). This cheesy comic book adaptation is utterly terrible, but if you’re in the mood for a specifically really bad horror movie, then this might be right up your alley. So maybe it’s terrible in all the right ways. If you know what I mean by that, watch and enjoy this gory, silly flick. If you don’t, then skip it.

MY CALL: I was generally unimpressed and disappointed with this satanic haunting film. MORE MOVIES LIKE Last Shift:  I’ve read many people comparing this drivel to Assault on Precinct 13 (1976) and I honestly don’t see it, outside of the setting being the last night at a police precinct.  I consider this comparison to be an insult to the late John Carpenter.

The set up isn’t exactly promising. A rookie police officer (Juliana Harkavy; The Walking Dead) shows up to a near abandoned police station for her first shift on the job.  Young, attractive and seemingly too meek for conflict, she strikes me as no more than tenderized final girl victim bait for whatever evils herein lurk.  Unfortunately for us, the greatest evil here is in the poor filmmaking.

Without easing us into a false sense of security, our cadet encounters all manner of flickering lights, strange noises, objects moving on their own, a disturbed hobo (J. LaRose; Insidious Chapter 2, The Devil’s Carnival) who keeps “appearing” in the building, slamming doors and mysterious phone calls. Among the disordered melee of distractions, very little seems nearly as effective as intended and most of it is just plain annoying.

With all this going on she doesn’t seem to acknowledge how weird this all is until she’s in too deep. She doesn’t call for back-up…perhaps for fear of being embarrassed on her first day.  But before we know it we learn our rookie is not alone in the station and that she is somehow connected to its haunting.

Writer/director Anthony DiBlasi (Dread, The Profane Exhibit, Cassadaga) stencils the film’s contours with strong supernatural influences. For example, the film “borrows” the iconic chair stacking scene from Poltergeist (1982; podcast discussion) and subsequently Dark Skies (2013). Other scenes (e.g., the locker room scene) likewise echo the Paranormal Activity 2 (2010) kitchen cabinet scene, the spectral corpse drag from A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) or the fast-twitching face-shaking of The House on Haunted Hill (1999).

The story comes to include a satanic cult of murderous devil worshipping fanatics. I found most of the scenes, ploys and acting to be vastly underwhelming.  However, a few scenes were creepy and quite effective.  Again, “a few.”  In fact, the bulk of the movie felt random and in desperate need of synthesis and direction…and talent.  There, I said it.

Among the film’s successes were scenes of ghosts, disturbing imagery involving corpses, and unexpected gore. The gore is neither frequent nor abundant, but its presentation represents the best execution of the film.  Otherwise, this chaotic fever dream is nothing I would ever recommend.

MY CALL: Parts 1 and 2 were great for direct-to-DVD, and part 3 lost some inertia but remained a fun franchise installment. However, with no cool effects and a messy story, part 4 felt just plain lazy. I wish they never made it. And that’s hard for me to say as an otherwise huge fan of the franchise. <<apathetic shrug>> MORE MOVIES LIKE Subspecies 4: Hopefully you saw Subspecies (1991), Subspecies II (1993), and perhaps Subspecies III: Bloodlust (1994).  ALTERNATE TITLE: Subspecies 4: Awakening.

Is he…reaching for her boob???

After a major refresher montage of pretty much every scene and special effect of the franchise, we pick up right where Subspecies III: Bloodlust (1994) ended with a barbequed Radu not dead because Michelle (Denice Duff; Subspecies II–IV, Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation) and her rescuers had left the bloodstone behind. So Radu (Anders Hove; Subspecies I-IV, Critters 4) scrambles away to regenerate as Michelle, now a fully initiated vampire, is taken to a hospital where a vampire-knowledgeable doctor (Mihai Dinvale; Blood and Chocolate, Dark Angel: The Ascent) claims he can cure her ancient malady!

He looks as confused and disappointed as I was with this movie.

I’m sorry to say that this fourth installment is far less interesting than its predecessors. Lt. Marin (Ion Haiduc; Subspecies II-IV, Dark Angel: The Ascent, Mimic: Sentinel), my least favorite character from part 3, returns and contributes nothing of value as one of Radu’s recent weak creations. Adding to the needlessly complex plot, the doctors are more interested in researching the bloodstone than helping Michelle, another of Radu’s fledglings and his protégé conspire against Radu, the doctor is himself a vampire, Michelle suddenly has a soft spot for Radu…it’s just too much and it keeps us from getting into any one plot element. There’s too much going on for it to develop into anything. This is all on top of the base storyline of Radu trying to reclaim Michelle under his wing. Haven’t we had enough of that yet with the last two films??? <<sigh>>

Behold, the most farcical moment in the franchise thus far.
BARF!  We get it.  The sun doesn’t hurt you, but you’ll ironically put on sunglasses.

The special effects seem a less frequent (than parts I-III) as well. We see lots of shadow walking (which is no longer interesting or impressive really), I still have a love-hate relationship with Radu’s gangly fingers and there are a few blood feedings, but outside of the introductory footage from part 3 and a couple of beheadings there are no cool effects. What the Hell? Nothing comes even remotely close to the neat claymation of Radu’s minions or Radu’s head reattaching itself a la The Thing (1982) with arterial tendrils whipping from his detached head and affixing themselves to his body to drag his head into place as his spinal cord extends outward to receive it…AWESOME EFFECT from Subspecies II. Where was all that? It seems that both the writing and special effects were left behind on this one.

Yes, by all means. Cut off the head of this wretched film!
And…doesn’t he look a tad like Willem Dafoe?

Parts 1 and 2 were pretty damn good–great, in fact, for direct-to-DVD releases. Then with Subspecies III: Bloodlust (1994) director Ted Nicolaou (Subspecies I-III, Terror Vision, Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys) lost the inertia that started this franchise so powerfully–but part 3 was still a fun franchise installment. However, part 4 felt just plain lazy. No cool effects and a messy story. I wish they never made it. And that’s hard for me to say as an otherwise huge fan of the franchise. <<apathetic shrug>>

Another look of disappointment.
She looks like Helena Bonham Carter from Fight Club…
But Fight Club came out a year LATER!
Mind = BLOWN!

MY CALL: Director Alastair Orr may not amaze us with this Descent knock-off, but he demonstrates that he is highly capable of entertaining us with an unoriginal story and a slim budget. This was totally watchable. I’m looking forward to seeing what he does next. MORE MOVIES LIKE Indigenous: Forget this flick. Just go watch The Descent (2005).

This starts out feeling vaguely reminiscent of The Ruins (2008). A bunch of 20-somthings go on a Central American vacation and a side-trek goes horribly wrong as they discover the local fauna. It takes place in the extremely remote Panamanian forest Darien Gap, which is allegedly the reason we can’t drive from North America to South America.  They go on a jungle hiking adventure to find a nearby “secret” waterfall that the locals warn not to visit. It’s too dangerous. Why? It just is. The real answer: chupacabras.

I have no complaints about the acting or general production value, it all seems up to snuff–decent, in fact. It seems that this film was trying to make an above-ground version of The Descent (2005) with chupacabras. The result is moderately entertaining, but it doesn’t come close to its predecessor.

From here on, we observe a series of Descent knock-off gimmicks rehashed in lower quality as our 20-somethings are picked off by hairless, albino, blind flesh-eating bat people that squeal like stuck velociraptors whenever they move. The gore includes a chewed off face, a grotesque leg wound, and various other bloody messes. It’s generally not a very gory movie, but it has its moments. Eventually our victims wander into a deep network of bat caves complete with offal pits of slimy human bones. The budget limitations are most apparent when you realize you never see more than one monster at a time.  But they look alright.

They did a pretty good job with the characters. I wasn’t really rooting for any of them, but they did a great job making the tough guy jock into a scared-shitless mumbling survivor and I wouldn’t exactly say I didn’t care about them at all…just not as much as I should have.

Director Alastair Orr may not amaze us with this flick, but he demonstrates that he is highly capable of assembling something entertaining even with a highly unoriginal knock-off story, no major actors and a slim budget. I’m looking forward to seeing what he does next.

MY CALL: I must say, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this B-movie. It’s loaded with silly action, playful humor, and rubber lizards that violate everything you learned in biology class; zaniness abounds. If you watch only the first 10, 20 or 30 minutes of this, you’d think you’d be making the right decision to stop watching. Just please keep watching. If you’ve ever loved a B movie this will probably be a pleasant surprise for you. MORE MOVIES LIKE Aberration: Mutant infestations are loads of fun. For some of my favorites featuring slugs, cockroaches and rats, try Slugs (1989), The Nest (1988) and Of Unknown Origin (1983).

This film opens with a sluggish pace as we meet Amy (Pamela Gidley; Cherry 2000) and her cat moving into her winter vacation home (?), a secluded cabin in the woods, where something is clearly (to the audience) amiss. The cat functions very much as dogs often do in horror, hesitating to enter the cabin as if it sensed an enemy and pointing out clues to the presence of “something” else.

We encounter traces of thick, green “horror movie” monster slime in and around her cabin. What’s more is that the local elderly weirdo’s dog has disappeared and a nearby biologist is collecting samples of slimy reptilian skin sheddings in the wild. Playing the harbinger trope, the old man warns Amy to “get out while she still can” because it’s “mating season.” Evidently this guy knows something bad is coming and, for some reason, doesn’t take the time to explain. Isn’t that just always the case in horror movies, by the way? How the people who could actually save your life are too busy being vague and weird to consider explaining something.

Observing signs of some sort of infestation, she buys some bug spray and mouse traps. But after she comes home to a mutilated cat, it’s apparent this is more than a few roaches or mice. Our know-it-all biologist reveals that they’re dealing with geckoes, mutant geckoes…with teeth! In fact, it’s an iguana-gecko hybrid that spits poison! Ridiculous! But also stupid fun.

What follows are some pleasant surprises including a feasted upon human corpse, plenty of laughs, a gooey dissection, stupid nonsense science, rubber lizard monsters, idiotic logic, pulsating mutant lizard eggs, some unexpectedly random martial arts, communicating like velociraptors in Jurassic Park (1993), three explosions, lots of gory lizard splatters and slimy gooey egg squishing. There’s a surprising amount of bad humorous B-action here, and only a few seconds of it are CGI.

This B-movie plays all the strings of horror tropes. The weirdo harbinger, the pet sentinel, the secluded cabin in the woods, an incoming storm, a socially awkward scientist who seems to know everything and the uncharacteristically sensual candlelit bath scene. But all these tropes are delivered with a sort of forgivable B-movie charm. This movie is surprisingly likable. The pinnacle of the eye-rolling so-bad-it’s-good moments comes when Amy drowns a lizard, that then “evolves” (complete misuse of the word evolve, by the way) gills right in front of them! They also develop an immunity to poison in hours and develop bulletproof scales!!!! Yeah, this is surely something your biology teacher never wanted you to see.

I must say, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed this B-movie. If you watch only the first 10, 20 or 30 minutes of this, you’d think you’d be making the right decision to stop watching. Just please keep watching. If you’ve ever loved a B movie this will probably be a pleasant surprise for you. There are LOADS of scenes with effects and blood and zaniness!

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MY CALL: This felt like a sick kid’s slapstick torture film and back when this came out I really wasn’t so excited to see what Rob Zombie would do next. Not necessarily original or clever, I view this first film to be his experiment in filmmaking. I may not have been impressed (at the time), but I’ll still call this experiment a victory and I imagine this hard-R horror and its popularity helped transform the genre as we know it today.
MORE MOVIES LIKE House of 1000 Corpses: The Devil’s Rejects (2005) for more but better of the same. Lords of Salem (2013) for a major change in pace and artistic approach.

Written/directed by Rob Zombie (Lords of Salem, Halloween), this modernly spun 1970s throwback immediately lets you know what you’re getting into–and it’s really SOMETHING! It’s gory, in-your-face, brutal, macabre, schlocky and offensive as a gas station hold-up goes horribly awry for two bumbling criminals who are gleefully resisted by the evil clown-faced Captain Spaulding (Sid Haig; Creature, Galaxy of Terror). But this film’s greatest impact was not on the audience, but the genre itself. Dare I be the hater to say I wasn’t at all impressed with this film on its own. But far be it from me to deny how this film (among others like Wrong Turn and the TCM remake; also 2003 releases) reintroduced brutality and gore back into mainstream studio-release horror after a over a decade of soft-R and PG-13 theatrical releases. Take my word for it, the 90s weren’t awesome for fans of hard-to-watch horror. And there was almost nothing so schlocky gracing screens backed by a studio!

A group of four friends (including Rainn Wilson; Cooties) stop by Captain Spaulding’s monster museum, go on his Murder Ride, and pick up a hitchhiker (Sheri Moon Zombie; Lords of Salem, Halloween) who wastes no time in luring one of them away from the others to her home after they get a flat tire. By the way, Rob Zombie is clearly very proud of Sheri Moon’s body (and I think so is she, and rightfully so)–a trend you’ll observe in all his movies along with her comfort with nudity and scant wardrobe.

The gigantic, mask-wearing, mute and shy Tiny (Matthew McGrory; Big Fish) and the scraggly, stringy-haired Otis (Bill Moseley; The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, House) are clear reflections of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (parts 1-2) family and a shallow gene pool. Rounding out the crazy family of murderers is a sultry mother and a loud mouth grandfather.

For his first feature-length film Rob Zombie does well, but still displays some beginner-level editing and camerawork that we see more honed in his subsequent movies. The same can be said for the somewhat crass writing (typical of direct-to-DVD movies starring Clint Howard) and Sheri Moon’s acting. I’m not trying to be mean, but all of these components seem far more developed in his more recent work. But, then again, this is a deliberate schlocky throwback.

The choppy editing offers visions of malevolence, necrophilia, torture and nudity. These scenes are meant to create a twisted flavor, but the celluloid scenes also unevenly break the pacing. Flayed bodies, masks and suits of human skin, and general evil-doing may impress some viewers. But to me this is a beginner’s take on extreme horror. It had no sense of story and became more over-the-top with each subsequent scene, culminating in a most unreasonably elaborate finale in a mineshaft lair of pseudozombie ghouls, Dr. Satan’s lobotomized human experiments, and a mutant barbarian that leads us to an ending that, again, smacks of a lovechild between an R-rated acid trippy videogame and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I thought it was silly (and maybe I enjoyed it a little), but this was something horror-goers weren’t getting elsewhere, perhaps making it the hot commodity of its time.

The violence is campy and unconvincing by current standards (again, this is schock cinema, though). This film has a reputation for brutality, but well-seasoned horror fans probably won’t see it that way today. Some may find the macabre humor, evil laughter and odd score to be more than a bit disconcerting–but I was not so affected. This felt like a sick kid’s slapstick torture film and back when this came out I was honestly not so excited to see what Rob Zombie would do next. It wasn’t original or clever and it offered little more than to demonstrate that Rob Zombie knew his way around the features on his camera. To that end, we see him trying (and learning) about alternative lighting schemes and filters (very music video-ish actually). Although it didn’t really fit well here in my opinion. I guess it was fun at times, and it’s lunacy lends itself well to drinking games. No scares to be found (nor were there meant to be), but a constant flow of bloody evil craziness.

Today, by the way, my opinion on Rob Zombie has changed dramatically as he has matured as a filmmaker. I’m actually quite excited to see 31 and Halloween 3…and everything else he does. I view this first film to be his experiment in schlocky filmmaking that paved the way for heavier R-rated horror. I may not have been too impressed upon its release, but I’ll still call this experiment a solid victory.

MY CALL: Despite some clear efforts, this movie was largely disappointing. Sure, I was entertained…but I’m not sure my entertainment outweighed how annoying it was at times. The best part of this movie is the Irish accents. I don’t recommend this…not even as a fun B-movie. I miss Warwick Davis. MORE MOVIES LIKE Leprechaun: Origins: Want a fun B-movie with a leprechaun? Then go back and watch Leprechaun (1993). It’s bad…but it’s a delight!

Let’s engage in a thought exercise. Imagine victims being hunted by velociraptors in a field of tall grass. Looks pretty cool, doesn’t it? But now, take away all the special effects and great shots. Not as cool, is it? This is essentially how this WWE movie begins…with a weak chase scene. Presumably, this is how the story will end for our protagonists.

Four American 20-somethings backpacking through Ireland stop in a random countryside village pub where they meet a friendly local (Garry Chalk; The Fly II, Freddy vs Jason) who gets them excited to see The Stones of the Gods, ancient stones that have been in place for centuries. Sophie (Stephanie Bennett; Grave Encounters 2), Ben (Andrew Dunbar; SGU), Jeni (Melissa Roxburgh; Sorority Murder) and David (Brendan Fletcher; The Revenant, Ginger Snaps 2-3, Freddy vs Jason) are excited for adventure and accept an invitation to stay the night in the local’s cabin. Just one problem, this quaint Irish has a secret.

It turns out these tourists were simply lured into serving as an offering to a carnivorous leprechaun. Evidently, the townspeople once stole the leprechaun’s gold and in order to appease this creature of Irish myth, they must periodically offer it human sacrifices…basically like King Kong. I think the leprechaun likes earthy seasonings, because it loves dragging its victims. We must see about four completely gratuitous horror drags.

The gore starts out slow, but then builds up a bit in the last 30 minutes. At first we never see things happen (e.g., lacerations and impalements), instead only seeing the gruesome aftermath. But later we get to enjoy an axe to the head and a spinal cord rip. So one can’t say this movie didn’t make an effort.

Similarly, we never seem to see the monstrous leprechauns until the end. Before that we only ever see the beast blurred out of focus, which is really frustrating. Upon finally seeing the leprechaun I wasn’t thrilled. It looks like a demonic chimpanzee burn victim–almost like the miniature demons from The Gate (1987). Maybe that’s why it fears fire and light–a weakness that was entirely under-utilized.

But more importantly, the Irish monster gets plenty of screen time whether you love or hate it’s malformed face. In fact, this monster more closely resembles a chupacabra or one of the albino cave dwellers from The Descent (2005) than a leprechaun.

This may have been intended as a Leprechaun (1993) reboot, but it did no such thing. If they didn’t “tell you” this monster was a leprechaun, you’d never know it. You’d just think it was a naked goblin of sorts.

Despite some aforementioned efforts, this movie was largely disappointing. Sure, I was entertained…but I’m not sure my entertainment outweighed how annoying it was at times. The best part about this movie, other than a hilarious axe-to-the-face scene, is the Irish accents. I don’t recommend this…not even as a fun B-movie. There’s too much else out there.

I miss Warwick Davis.

MY CALL: Excepting the middle story, I really love this horror anthology. I loved it as a kid in the early 90s and I still love it today. It’s an excellent, cheap B-movie with fun short stories of dark fairy tales. The budget is low but the effects are diverse and the music was surprisingly interesting. MORE MOVIES LIKE Deadtime Stories: Hellraiser (1987) and Wolfcop (2014) offer better iterations of the first two short stories herein. Otherwise, try more horror anthology movies.

OTHER HORROR ANTHOLOGIES:  Black Sabbath (1963), Tales from the Crypt (1972), The Vault of Horror (1973), The Uncanny (1977), Creepshow (1982), Twilight Zone: The Movie (1983), Stephen King’s Cat’s Eye (1985), Creepshow 2 (1987), Tales from the Darkside: The Movie (1990), Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (1993), Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996), Campfire Tales (1997), 3 Extremes (2004), Trick ‘r Treat (2007), Chillerama (2011), Little Deaths (2011), V/H/S (2012), The Theater Bizarre (2012), The ABCs of Death (2013), V/H/S 2 (2013), The Profane Exhibit (2013), The ABCs of Death 2 (2014), V/H/S Viral (2014) and A Christmas Horror Story (2015).

Also released as Freaky Fairy Tales, this clearly low budget film begins with a playful whimsy as the opening credits are presented as pages in an ancient storybook being turned by progressively more monstrous hands–it’s cute but it relates to nothing else in the movie. The wraparound story is quite simple: an uncle telling his nephew a series of bedtime horror stories to waylay his fears of a monster hiding in his bedroom.

The first story is about a young boy and the witch sisters he serves. They intend to resurrect their long dead sister (another witch). This dark fairy tale is surprisingly loaded with fun special effects. They use illusions to seduce a priest and make his disembodied hand crawl asunder from his arm. They then remove the heart from the corpse of their long dead sister, apply a magical potion to restart its beating, and return it to her chest cavity. What follows is a gross, slimy, stop-motion display as tendrils of nerves and sinew emerge from the heart and envelop the skeleton in a crust of cadaverous filth, from which their sister would then emerge. The effects, however low the budget may be, had me squealing in delight as it reminded me of the Hellraiser (1987) transformation scene.

Later, her disembodied heart would literally attack the servant boy like a facehugger organ-octopus! Which reminded me of the zombified guts in Dead-Alive (1992). I vaguely remember these two grotesque scenes from when I rented this over 20 years ago! It’s delightful!

This trailer has glimpses of both these scenes that I love.
The transformation (in two separate parts of the clip) and the face-attacking organ.

The second tale is a werewolf version of Little Red Riding Hood and, because our story teller is a bit of a dirty uncle, our Riding Hood heroine (Nicole Picard; Ghoulies III) is a bit on the sultry side. This horror short is rather disappointing and revolves around a werewolf (Matt Mitler; Breeders, Basket Case 2) getting his prescription mixed up with grandma’s at the pharmacy. When he stops by her house to retrieve it, he wolfs out and blows her house down. It’s silly, stupid and barely entertaining. But if you enjoyed it at all I’d recommend you follow it up with Wolfcop (2014). Watch out for the goofy closing line “Grandma, what big teeth you have!”

Our third story is about Goldi Lox (Cathryn de Prume) and the three bears. Only here our Goldi is an insane psychic/telekinetic murderer who collects the bodies of her would-be suitors in a murder house and our “bears” are the Baer family, the poppa and baby of which were recently broken out of the “Home for the Hopelessly Insane” by Momma Baer (Melissa Leo; Oblivion, Olympus Has Fallen). This one is just plain zany and mixes the macabre with the trickery of Bewitched.

With each subsequent story, the tone goes from moderately serious, to silly, to slapstick. The writing, editing and acting are consistently horrible (yes, even Melissa Leo) and the campiness also increases later in the movie, culminating in Goldi’s gratuitous nudity-showcasing shower scene.

Excepting the middle story, I really love this horror anthology. I loved it as a kid in the early 90s and I still love it today. It’s an excellent, cheap B-movie with fun short stories of dark fairy tales.

You can download the pod on iTunes or LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOGTALKRADIO.
If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!

Go visit the episode that started it all:
Episode 1: Kurt Russell’s Best Sleeveless Roles.

SUMMARY:  This week we discuss our favorite movie icon, KURT RUSSELL.  We review our favorite Kurt Russell trivia, review six degrees from Kurt Russell to Elvis, the best DVD commentaries on the market, and our favorite moments from his earlier career with special emphasis on Big Trouble in Little China, The Thing, Used Cars, Escape from LA, his countless links to Elvis and other actors.

We also answer such important questions as…

“If Kurt Russell had won an academy award for any of his films, which one should it have been for?”
“What movies role would have been much better if Kurt Russell had gotten the part instead?”
“Why is Kurt Russell the worst loser ever and the best loser at the same time?”
“Did Kurt Russell really make that full court basketball free throw?”

LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOGTALKRADIO,
or head over iTunes so you can download, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod.

Upon a kind solicitation, I am writing to share the development status of an upcoming film (@BurnShortFilm).

Director by Judson Vaughan (Pedro and the multi award-winning Soul Breaker) has recently completed filming Burn (2016), a short psychological horror film, in Hertfordshire and north London, UK.  Slaughtered Bird Creations and Dragon Egg Media’s debut film collaboration has wrapped and entered post-production.

After several local disappearances prompt a nationwide manhunt, Burn focusses on Peter and Louise – two of many gripped by media-induced fear. When their son, Charlie, is born, the pair must find a way of raising him amid continuing public hysteria and incomprehensible personal tragedy.

Starring Max Cavenham and Emma Kelly, the story is the brainchild of www.TheSlaughteredBird.com co-owner, Chris Barnes (@TheBlueTook) and, in partnership with Vaughan’s Dragon Egg Media label, will become the first project released under production umbrella, Slaughtered Bird Creations (@SlaughteredBird).  Incorporating its creators’ love of precise tension-building, Burn’s (2016) approach is both patient and unrelenting, stunningly captured by Joaquim Barreto’s cinematography, and brings classic psychological horror to the forefront of independent British cinema once again.

Keep an eye out for the trailer!

MY CALL: The Purge (2013) was perfection. I like what DeMonaco was “trying” to do with this sequel, but he missed the target this time–which is especially shocking when considering his mastery in capturing the atmosphere of the first. As such, I’d advise you to watch Anarchy if you’re a Frank Grillo fan more than if you’re a Purge fan. This really wasn’t a terrible movie–just not at all a good one. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Purge: Anarchy: Well you’ve got to see the original The Purge (2013). In fact, maybe just watch part 1 twice…in a row…then skip part 2 and go see part 3.

With the Purge eliminating poverty and unemployment (presumably by “deleting” undesirables), the United States is a wonderful place in 2023. A wonderful place because of the inner demons cleansed by 12 murderous hours once a year.

Writer/director James DeMonaco (The Purge, The Purge: Election Year) tries to impress us by re-introducing us to the Purge, its supporters and vocal resistance, practitioners and abstainers. Instead of unleashing the beast by laying siege to Ethan Hawke’s house, we follow some unwilling Purge participants stranded out in the streets on the most dangerous night of the year. They serendipitously end up being led by Frank Grillo (The Grey, Warrior, Mother’s Day, Captain America: The Winter Soldier), who dominates the screen and manages to make this otherwise sorry sequel watchable with his mysterious Purger-with-a-secret. But wait… he “is” out on Purge night so it begs the question…can they trust him?

We see how the lower, middle and upper class purge. Unfortunately, we’re already quite familiar with this world from the stellar performances in the original The Purge (2013) and nothing new is really offered beyond this change in perspective.

That’s not to say that the sociopaths preparing for the Purge, eerily waving at their soon-to-be victims wasn’t unnerving–it just lacked the degree of undiscovered menace that made its predecessor so shiny and new.

It’s like the thrill of discovery in learning the secrets and nuance of The Matrix (1999), followed by the disenchanted reaction of revisiting its inner workings in The Matrix: Reloaded (2003). But this comparison really isn’t fair. The Matrix: Reloaded (2003) is still awesome much as the Silver or Bronze medalist at the Olympics would compare to the Gold-toting original (1999), whereas Anarchy is more like a fat guy with type-II diabetes and a sprained ankle compared to the two-time winner of the Boston Marathon that is The Purge (2013). But let me tell you how I really feel…

Outside of our solid lead cast, the secondary actors provision the screen with stale performances. The social allegory that was once so organically powerful now feels forced and the new commentary intended to add intrigue to the story (and the social/political evolution of The Purge) is delivered in such a manner that it falls flat.

Seeing this makes me want to go back and watch The Purge (2013) again–which I found to be perfection. I like what DeMonaco was “trying” to do with this sequel, but I fear that he missed the target this time–which is especially shocking when considering his mastery in capturing the atmosphere of the first. As such, I’d sooner advise you to watch Anarchy if you’re a Frank Grillo fan than if you’re a Purge fan–however, Purge fans won’t want to miss it as it will clearly bridge us into the third installment’s plot. But with that said, this really wasn’t a terrible movie–just not a good one and definitely doing zero justice to part one. I didn’t hate it. I won’t be buying it either… Not unless it comes at a discount in a triple movie blu-ray pack with The Purge: Election Year.

If you want a second opinion check out Mark’s review: The Purge: Anarchy: When a Bad Movie Happens to a Good Idea.

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If you get a chance please make sure to review, rate and share. You are awesome!

Go visit the episode that started it all:
 The MFF Podcast #50: Kurtchella, the Kurt Russell Special

SUMMARY:  This week we discuss and dissect two fantastic movies, 10 Cloverfield Lane and Deadpool.  Enjoy our musings of R-rated comic movies, how John Goodman deserves an Oscar for Creepiest Actor, the long and tortured history of the Deadpool movie, and how Mary Elizabeth Winstead was a perfect combination of strong and scared.

We also answer such important questions as…

“How is it that we still haven’t seen Maniac Cop?”

“Did the cast of Deadpool have a little too much fun?”

“What’s the ideal buffness level for an action hero?”

“Would you have ever known this was a Cloverfield sequel”?

“What should the Broken Lizard team do for their next movie?”

LISTEN TO THE POD ON BLOGTALKRADIO,
or head over iTunes so you can download, REVIEW, RATE and SHARE the pod.

Upon solicitation, I recently saw the trailer for a Porthos Films release and felt compelled to share.  Take a look…

After a botched art heist in France, a group of friends are left with a body on their hands and the gendarme hot on their trail. They hide the body and make plans to sell the painting and return home. But as they wait for the chance to escape from their secluded holiday home, they soon realise the body has gone missing. Paranoia and fear sets in and the friends begin to turn on each other. Soon it is clear there’s a killer in the house and the group must figure out who is responsible before they all suffer the consequences.

This movie has a ton of different movie posters and release titles.

MY CALL: If you love bad 80s horror and make yourself watch this (the whole movie), I think you’ll appreciate it for its zaniness, gore, campiness and diverse effects. But don’t watch 20 minutes and decide “this sucks” and promptly stop watching. Trust me, it’s worth it. MORE MOVIES LIKE Def By Temptation: Vamp (1986) was a quality flick about a female vampire seductress that was occasionally funny and had decent effects. Another black vampire movie would be Vampire in Brooklyn (1995). Movies that share this level of bad 80s lunacy would be Nightwish (1990), Prince of Darkness (1987), Dreamaniac (1986), Night Angel (1990), Ghosthouse (1986), Manitou (1978) and Deadly Blessing (1981). ALTERNATE TITLE: Vampire in New York and Black Vampires.

This is gory, silly, bad 80s horror fun at its best…as long as you can make it through the first hour. Featuring distractingly horrible editing and abject storytelling, this movie stars and was written/directed by James Bond III, who thankfully never directed anything else. This alone should tell you all you need to know. But, just for funsies, let’s review it anyway…

Back in the 70s-90s horror directors seemed to think that if you add a snake to a scene it makes it creepier.  Even if someone is just holding it.  Like the Salma Hayek striptease in Dusk ’til Dawn.

This film opens introducing us to a womanizer who earns a brutal fate at the hands of a supernatural seductress (Cynthia Bond). The scenes feature full frontal male nudity as the man runs, screaming for his life. I feel like they were trying to present this to elevate the intensity, vulnerability and desperation; to set a dire tone. It worked..

Ah, yes.  The old “blood in the shower” trick.
So this is where Blade got the idea for the blood rave.

But in subsequent scenes, things feel more campy. As if, shortly after this scene, the movie decided to stop taking itself so seriously. Unfortunately, the writing, acting, and pretty much everything else about this film is similarly inconsistent.

I can’t speak for everyone, but it strikes me as simultaneously creepy and sexy to have someone in the room playing the saxophone while I’m having sex.

The nature of our seductress remains a mystery for much of the movie. We don’t know how or why she kills. Just that she does. At one point I thought she was a demon or a succubus or some other manner of infernal temptress. A brief glance of a clawed (and maybe hairy?) hand made me wonder if she was later a werewolf.

Is she a were-warthog?

As the story weakly progresses, we get glimpses of vampirism. But this movie neither follows “the rules” of vampirism nor demons nor does it clearly lay out its own new rules. She has no reflection in the mirror, walks around in daylight, holy water gives her thrashing indigestion and the right Biblical verse will make her head explode. At one point she seems pleased to have afflicted a lecherous victim with a disease and his skin forms perhaps blistering legions–but the scene is so poorly staged that I wasn’t entirely clear if it was meant to be caused by sunlight…or if it would continue until he died regardless. But then why is she not so affected? And what the Hell even happened to that guy? Did he die? We never know!

The special effects, like most 80s and early 90s horror, is heavily biased towards the last third of the movie. Some blood here and there, wounds and skin lesions, and a clawed hand don’t make for a promising first hour. But the last 30 minutes offers someone being “eaten” by an evil TV, our succubus assumes her demon form (multiple different forms), and there are some scenes of spewing gore.

 Bride of Pumpkinhead?

The other element that typifies the third act is LUNACY! It’s hard to keep track of precisely what’s going on…is this a dream, an illusion from mind control, a flashback mixing with the present? It sort of turns into a fever dream. For some reason in a single scene we see our protagonist fighting the succubus in New York City, his grandmother (who lives in North Carolina) suddenly appears in New York and his dead father lectures him…again, all in one scene! And no, it wasn’t a dream nor was anything explained. But therein lies the joyous madness of bad 80s horror.

Despite being horribly edited, I enjoyed the flashback sequence with Samuel L Jackson (The Hateful 8, Captain America: The Winter Soldier) as Joel’s minister father and Bill Nunn (Things to Do in Denver When You’re Dead) who we meet as a guy with a new lie for every girl he tries to pick up at a bar…like making kung fu movies with Bruce Lee or being a race car driver. But he also turns out to be an important character and even when he’s not trying to pick up hotties, he has by far the best lines! Kadeem Hardison (White Men Can’t Jump, Vampire in Brooklyn) also has his moments…good and bad (but mostly bad). But our writer/director/star simply shits the bed with his character’s attempts to be soulful and inflexive.

If you love bad 80s horror and make yourself watch this (the whole movie), I think you’ll appreciate it for its zaniness, gore, campiness and diverse effects. But don’t watch 20 minutes and decide “this sucks” and promptly stop watching. Trust me, it’s worth it.

MY CALL: Whether you love Tokyo Shock cinema (e.g., Tokyo Gore Police, Vampire Girl versus Frankenstein Girl), or simply love anima and generally weird shit, you should probably give this classic demon Anime a shot. I thought it was awesome 20 years ago and still think it’s pretty damn cool today! MORE MOVIES LIKE Wicked City: Demon City Shinjuku (1988), Bio Hunter (1995), Vampire Hunter D (1985), Ninja Scroll (1993), Cyber City Oedo 808 (1990 mini-series), and all manner of Tokyo Shock cinema like Tokyo Gore Police (2008) and Vampire Girl versus Frankenstein Girl (2009).

This movie kicks off strong as our hero Taki goes home and gets lucky with a woman who turns out to be a spider demon! Maaaaaybe not so lucky. After sex she transforms, with her arms eerily elongating and her lady parts becoming a menacing toothed maw. I see where Tokyo Gore Police (2008) got the idea. Not to be confused with some pornographic hentai, this very mature Anime does feature abundant nudity and sex scenes…and “sex-like” scenes. It also manages to mix some romantic elements into this otherwise largely perverse movie.

Our human world and the Black World, a parallel dimension, have had a treaty in place for centuries. The denizens of the Black World must use approved channels to come to our world and when they violate these rules, members of the Black Guard keep them in check–Taki is one of them. The Black Guard is a lot like the Men in Black (1997), operating in secret to protect people from the harm and even frightening knowledge of these extra-dimensional beings.

Now that the 1851 treaty is nearing an end, a new treaty must be signed and interdimensional political turmoil ensues as Taki and a Black Guard from the other side (Makie) must team up to protect an important old man from assassination attempts by Black World demon radicals.

All manner of weirdness can be found. Weaponized ribcages, prehensile gut tentacles and a crawling eye-stalked head are all reminiscent of The Thing (1982) and likely pay kind homage to its effects.

(go to the 3:00 minute mark for the head crawling)

There’s also prehensile hair, strangely erotic engulfing and elongating fingernails of death. We find various succubus demons seeking to engulf their victims in various ways, demonic parasites, stone demons, the return of our web-slinging (from her crotch) spider demon, and spiky tentacle demons that regenerate. Clearly, this movie is loaded with awesomeness.

Hmmmmmmm…

Whether you love Tokyo Shock cinema like Tokyo Gore Police (2008) and Vampire Girl versus Frankenstein Girl (2009), or simply love anima and weird shit, you should probably give this classic demon Anime a shot. I thought it was awesome 20 years ago and still think it’s pretty damn cool today!

MY CALL: Overall, I was pleased with this as a direct-to-DVD horror film, but maybe disappointed as a major Hellraiser fan. In either case, I’d still recommend it. But only AFTER seeing all of its predecessors in order. MORE MOVIES LIKE Hellseeker: Be sure to see Hellraiser (1987) and Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988) first, of course. Then maybe Hellraiser 3: Hell on Earth (1992) and Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996). Hellraiser: Inferno (2000) is more of a standalone film.

***************How it fits in the franchise***************

Directed by Rick Bota (Haven, Hellraiser VII-VIII), this sixth installment to the Hellraiser franchise follows in Inferno‘s (2000) footsteps by presenting another stand-alone story. Hellraiser was a dark chamber thriller fueled by lustful desire, Hellbound more of a curious exploration of Barker’s Hell-ish Labyrinth and his Cenobites, Hell on Earth was a troped-up action/horror movie chronicling Pinhead’s own escape from Hell, Bloodline was an anthology story illustrating the creation and lineage of the Puzzle Box, Inferno a crime thriller neatly packaged in the dark trappings of the Puzzle Box, and now we find yet another murder-mystery crime thriller. There is an admittedly significant drop in quality in the third and fourth films from the original two, and yet another such drop for the fifth and this sixth direct-to-video installments, but it remains comforting that we never seem to find the same story recycled and retold with different victims.

A major fault of Hell on Earth and Bloodline was the nuisance of over-exposition. I didn’t find that to be a problem here.  But the most noticeable flaw was that this sixth franchise story is the first not to expand the Hellraiser mythology, rather operating on the same theme as Inferno. Whereas parts 1-4 revolve around the Box or Pinhead (Doug Bradley), parts 5-6 are illustrative of what experiences befall those damned souls who open the Box. As a result, we see much less of Pinhead and focus more on our curious and potentially damned soul. Trevor’s journey begins as a rational investigation fogged by amnesia, shifts to something supernatural and psychologically pervasive, and ultimately steers us into what feels like a surreal dreamscape of his life.

Parts 1-3 of this franchise should be watched in order. After seeing them, there seems to be no consequence to 4-6 out of order aside from the fact that Bloodline is much better than 5 or 6. This film is nothing special, nor is it even a “good” Hellraiser story. But I take it for what it is and appreciate of it what I can. I didn’t regret watching it.

***************Review***************

After suffering a car accident and losing his wife Kirsty (Ashley Laurence; Hellraiser I-II, Lurking Fear), Trevor (Dean Winters; John Wick) awakens in a hospital mostly amnesiac and, for what he can remember, his story strangely doesn’t match the police.

That’s right. Dean Winters is the Allstate Commercial guy.

As if a mix of post-traumatic stress and disorientation, flashbacks and hallucinations occur in the form of brutally macabre surgical scenes, fond memories of his wife, scenes of infidelity and nightmare-like fever dream sequences of vomiting live lampreys, brutal beatings, murder scenes and electrocutions.

Pleasure and lust have always had a place in Clive Barker’s Hellraiser canon but much as we saw in Inferno (2000), director Rick Bota (Haven, Hellraiser VII-VIII) takes a less inspired path to include such content in the form of affairs and intra-office trysts. It’s as if Trevor was being haunted by his mistresses although he has no memory of their exploits or drive to continue them. Voyeurism becomes a new theme as well, and long-drawn creep factors have been replaced by loud noisy jump scares that abound in the form of barking pitbulls and drowning specters in vending machines. None of them with any sense of context or build-up.

Our reintroduction to Pinhead (Doug Bradley; Exorcismus, Hellraiser I-V) is pretty fun. He emerges from an anatomy poster, pulls a pin from his head which elongates, and “acupunctures” his relaxed victim. It has an air of 90s badness to it, but 90s badness done right! And when Pinhead properly meets Trevor, the scene is a distinct throwback to the original Hellraiser (1987). Nice touch.

This sixth franchise installment links back directly to the original Hellraiser (1987) when we learn that Trevor, among his amnesia-lost past, had given a Puzzle Box to Kirsty as a gift.

And much like part 1, Kirsty makes a deal with Pinhead to spare her. Also borrowing the style of part 1 is that in this film we see much less of the Cenobites than we did in parts 2-5, making this more about Trevor’s journey of infernal self-discovery. We only find Pinhead, a brief appearance by Chatterbox, and his four new infernal monks –one with coils of wire, one plus-sized woman, one with flash stretched over its face, one without eyelids. Only two of them are named in IMDB as , Stitch and Bound. But the Cenobites seem to hardly matter in parts 5-6 outside of Pinhead himself. <<sigh>>

An unfortunate trend in this franchise is that the effects go from “Holy Shit Awesome” (for their 80s era and even today) in parts 1-2, to pretty good in 3-4, to typical direct-to-DVD in 5-6. But fret not, it’s all still quite entertaining and Pinhead’s tissue-rending hooked chains get their pound of flesh.

Overall, I was pleased with this film as a direct-to-DVD horror film, but maaaaybe a tad disappointed as a major Hellraiser fan. In either case, I’d still recommend it. But only AFTER seeing all of its predecessors in order (at least 1-4).

MY CALL: Let’s be clear. This comical horror movie is haphazardly stupid. But it’s the kind of stupid that’s sort of awesome…if you’re into that kind of thing. And, by the way, this was Jennifer Aniston’s first lead role in a theatrical release movie! MORE MOVIES LIKE Leprechaun: There are loads of sequels taking Warwick Davis from “da hood” to outer space. But whatever you do, don’t watch Leprechaun: Origins (2014)–terrible even for a direct-to-DVD B-movie.

I felt exactly like this after watching the 2014 reboot.

Having recently suffered through the seemingly completely unrelated and failed reboot Leprechaun: Origins (2014), I felt the need to go back and revisit this old clutch favorite.

This classic bad horror movie opens with such a pleasantly bad 90s feel as, in the very first scene mind you, we meet our Leprechaun (Warwick Davis; Willow, the Harry Potter series) coveting his pot of gold and gleefully chanting murderous limericks about those who would steal from him, all the while wearing the classic Leprechaun trappings of gold-buckled shoes and a hatted green suit. Like an R-rated children’s show, he narrates his malevolent intentions and giggles and scurries around, often toying with his victims.

Cut to more comical 90s badness, an Irishman polishes off an entire bottle of Irish whiskey before drunkenly brandishing some stolen gold before his doubtful wife. Can anyone guess who the Leprechaun’s first victims will be??? The bad-o-meter starts reading pretty high when the drunkard brandishes a four-leaf clover to rebuke the mythological creature much as an old priest and a young priest would to ward off the demon Pazuzu.

All this fun, bad, awesomeness transpires in the first 10 minutes, so right off the bat I’m going to recommend this to anyone who enjoys some bad 80s or 90s horror. But on with the review!

Our cliché Valley girl Tory (Jennifer Aniston; Horrible Bosses) is reluctantly visiting her father (John Sanderford; Firestarter, The Alchemist) for the summer at his South Dakota home where the drunk Irishman had imprisoned the Leprechaun years ago in the basement.

Helping to renovate the house is a simple-minded manchild (Mark Holton; Teen Wolf) with a penchant for telling unbelievable tall tales. So naturally, when he sees the evil leprechaun no one believes him.

The acting and writing aren’t good, but they aren’t unforgivably awful either. In fact, I find the lines to be quite entertaining most of the time. But what really makes this movie work is the over-the-top performance of Warwick Davis as the monster of folklore. He maniacally laughs and does ridiculous things like death by pogo-stick, speeding in a kid’s Powerwheels car, and compulsively shining dirty shoes. Adding to the haphazard badness is that he can magically teleport, but he never seems to use it in useful ways. Instead he chases people, regular-sized people, and somehow keeps up with them with those stumpy little legs.

The special effects are just okay in general, but the finale when they defeat the Leprechaun is deliciously slimy, gooey fun. There’s not a moment of scary in this movie, but giggles galore. This toes the line of a horror comedy.

They just don’t make’em like this any more, do they?

Let’s be clear. This movie is stupid. But it’s the kind of stupid that’s awesome…if you’re into that kind of thing. And, by the way, this was Jennifer Aniston’s first lead role in a theatrical release movie! So watch it! Then watch a couple sequels!

MY CALL: Insufferable boredom! This movie sucked my soul in the worst way. Don’t watch it. MORE MOVIES LIKE Girlfriend from Hell: Instead of this you should watch Night of the Demons 1-3 (1988-1997), The Hazing (2004), Night Angel (1990), Def by Temptation (1990) and the Puppet Master 1-5 (1989-1994). All have their share of sexualized death scenes without getting uncomfortably perverted, much better effects, some dirty humor, better acting/writing…better everything!

This movie is awful…maybe even annoyingly awful to the point that I’m upset to be watching it alone and without the luxury of a beer buzz. It opens on some other planet where a guy with a laser gun is hunting some glowing ball of energy that is apparently his girlfriend. This evil ball of energy then beams through space to Earth and possesses the extremely awkward twenty-something Maggie (Liane Curtis; Critters 2) who was set up on a date with the equally awkward Carl (Anthony Barrile; Friday the 13th: A New Beginning). Somehow her interstellar boyfriend follows her to Earth and the hunt continues much to our insufferable boredom.

Just a fair warning, the lameness of the images in this review very accurately represent the quality of this movie.

Now hiding in Maggie’s body, the entity magically gives her a hot makeover. Among her misbehaving we learn that she is the Devil (and not a space alien) and she starts killing the men at a birthday party with fully clothed, lame, soul-sucking sex sessions.

A series of absurd things happen but it’s never really even funny. It’s just unendurable sad. I didn’t even enjoy one scene–and I was trying so hard to like this.  On a side note, this movie would have been way better if they had cast Jennifer Tilly as Maggie.

Everything about this movie is terrible. The acting seems unrehearsed and performed in single takes by amateurs, the writing is lobotomizingly inane and often featuring painfully long-winded exposition, and the story and editing are so choppy we never have a solid understanding of what’s going on. Watch out for James Karen (The Unborn, Poltergeist) giving his worst performance ever as Carl’s dad. Such a shame that this film even corrupted the likes of him.

I love some pretty terrible movies, but this one was especially hard to watch. I had to watch it across two different days to avoid getting irritated. It offers so little. There’s nothing really provocative. No blood, no sex scenes (but one annoying scene with nudity), and the special effects were limited to some life-drained corpses, crackling magical electricity and laser beams.

Evidently they couldn’t convince any of the cast to take of their tops and bare their breasts.  So they added this completely random scene in a strip club just so the movie would have nudity.  We needlessly find ourselves here when the protagonist “teleports” and “time travels” to this sleazy locale.

This movie sucked my soul in the worst way. Don’t watch it.

MY CALL: The Devil’s Sword is no obvious knock off–it’s somewhat original in its own insane little microcosm. But it should be considered with caution when making a serious (or completely unserious) choice in whether or not to watch it. MORE MOVIES LIKE The Devil’s Sword: Do you like this 80s fantasy badness?  How about Flash Gordon (1980), Sorceress (1982), Kull the Conqueror (1997), Krull (1983), Conquest (1983), Deathstalker (1983), The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984) and Deathstalker II: Duel of the Titans (1987).  All of these movies are better than Barbarian Queen (1985) in every possible way except for amply breast-filled minutes of screen time. Like all the fantasy but don’t care for all the “bad”?  Let’s try Legend (1985), Beastmaster (1982), Conan the Barbarian (1982), Conan the Destroyer (1984) or Willow (1988) on for size.

Little in this world is more other-worldly than foreign sword and sorcery films. Don’t believe me? Watch Conquest (1983), Lucio Fulci’s Italian lunacy. But for now let’s focus on southeast Asia…

A meteor crashes to Earth near some sort of elderly Zen monk dude, who then uses its ore to forge a sword–called the “Devil’s Sword” for probably no other reason than a poor translation to English. Because why not, right?

Biggest sheath EVER!

We are then introduced to the Invisible Queen who, after the butt-naked sacrifice of a young Indonesian warrior, becomes renamed the Crocodile Queen for the remainder of the movie and summons a harem of men for a public make-out session to appease her carnal desires (which apparently require no nudity). At this point you’re already thinking “this makes no sense.” Trust me, I know. There was no better way to explain the story so far.

See, “now” she’s no longer invisible…ergo, “Crocodile Queen.”

But she’s more like a Crocodile Slut.

And she has “fire sex”…fully clothed…with no mouth kissing.

At first the plot seems to be about combating this Crocodile Queen’s lust for male sacrifices, but then we steer in the direction of insurrection among her assassins who are all willing to kill whomever they must (including each other) to claim the “other” Devil’s Sword and rule all of the warriors of the world. So we saw an old guy forge one…but now all the sudden we are to understand there are two? Sure. WTF do I have to lose.

The action in this fantasy/martial arts movie is insane and abundant–and abundantly insane. It’s a combination of classic kung fu theater and horrible knockoff Hong Kong cinema.

We have long fight clips with choppy choreography–some of it lame and simple, some of it technically cool, but none of it matching the modern technically sound work of Tony Jaa (Ong Bak, Furious 7), Scott Adkins (El Gringo, Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning) or Iko Uwais (The Raid: Redemption, Merantau). It smacks a dash of Riki-Oh: The Story of Riki (1991)…not to the same slapstick level, but with several severed heads rifling through the air and Dragonball-kicking a boulder and then “riding” it to your destination does give it quite a cartoon feel.

Is that a Flying Nimbus!?!?!

One of these movie posters gives a much more honest representation of the movie than the other.  Take a gander at the images below and you tell me which one is more accurate.

Worst Cyclops ever.

Complementing the lunacy are scenes of summoning crocodile men from the earth who teleport-hop all over the place, surgical amputations, a lame cannibal pit, warriors burrowing in the sand like Tremors (1990), water crocodile warriors, an undead boatman, a dungeons and dragons lair complete with booby traps and secret doors, the worst ever Cyclops monster and laser beams. Yes, I said laser beams! Complete lunacy!

Director Ratno Timoer would later go on to do Revenge of the Ninja (1984), not to be confused with the “other” famous B-movie Revenge of the Ninja (1983). In other words, you probably haven’t heard of the cheap knock off he directed. And while Devil’s Sword is no obvious knock off–it’s somewhat original in its own insane little microcosm– it’s to be treated as one when making a serious (or completely unserious) choice in whether or not to watch it.

MY CALL: Dungeons and Dragons meets Castlevania in this great dark fantasy adventure featuring demons, vampires, mutants, cyborgs, castle lairs and magical items. If you like Anime or dark fantasy you should probably see this. MORE MOVIES LIKE Vampire Hunter D: Of course Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust (2000) and the rumored upcoming TV series Vampire Hunter D: Resurrection. Then perhaps Demon City Shinjuku (1988), Bio Hunter (1995), Wicked City (1987), Ninja Scroll (1993), Cyber City Oedo 808 (1990 mini-series), and maybe such fantasy as The Dark Crystal (1988), Willow (1982) and Legend (1985).

The future is populated by demons and mutants, dinosaurs and werewolves, and all manner of supernatural creatures and mystical magical items with unexplained names like “the time-bewitching incense.” Sounds like a dream to any Dungeons and Dragons fan, if you ask me. And that’s exactly what I am!

Not at all as perverse or provocative as its unrelated successor Wicked City (1987), Vampire Hunter D (1985) features nothing more risqué than a few boob shots and some frequent panty glances of our strong protagonist Doris.

She can hold her own and handles a whip pretty well, but having been bitten by the 10,000-year old Count (Dracula), she hires D–a wispy and mysterious hunter, riding atop his fiendishly horned cybernetic horse.

The Dhampir offspring of a vampire and a human (like Blade), D is a most formidable swordsman bearing an antagonistic face that never shuts up on his right hand and the ability to regenerate. His eyes glow when we embraces his true nature.

Defending Doris from the romantic interests of the noble vampiric Count, D combats his mutant servants imbued with all manner of time-space-bending and magical powers. One particularly weird henchman emits spiders from him porous hunchback–yuck.

In his Castlevania meets classic Dungeons and Dragons dungeon crawl he faces the shape-shifting life-draining lamia (which strike me more as a mix of sirens and naga), traps, ghosts, a witch, a pterodactyl man, a giant, and ultimately the revered noble vampire. It’s a fun mix of enemies.

The Count possesses a most powerful telekinesis which contributes some festive gore, complete with dismemberment, blood geysers, eyeball gauges and an exploding head. All in an effort to prevent the Count from forcibly wedding Doris in his gigantic castle attended by all manner of hooded minion monks.

As the story progresses we learn that D is more powerful and more important than he lets on, but even by the end some mysteries remain as he exits to parts unknown, much as he arrived. Perhaps these are mysteries answered in the Manga books.

This movie was a blast when I was a kid and still maintains its entertainment value today. It reminds me of my Dungeons and Dragons days in the best way.